DREAD

Today is my first Taxol treatment, of which I will have 4, every other week. Everyone assures me it's MUCH BETTER than the A/C I lived thru, so here's to hoping........it's the unknown that kills me. I'm so tired of of new terrible things - one after the other after the other. I feel very beaten down after biopsy, surgery, biopsy, surgery, 4 rounds of A/C. It appears that EVERYONE is allergic to Taxol, so your treatment begins with a big dose of Benadryl via your IV, then your Taxol. All the women I speak to love the Benedryl - it makes you pass out for the Taxol treatment. The actual infusion of Taxol takes much longer than the A/C which is a bummer - one friend of mine had an allergic reaction in the middle of the treatment, she started itching like crazy. They stopped the Taxol, tanked her up on more Benedryl, then restarted the Taxol really slowly....New side effects - numb hands and feet - maybe face. Mild to severe bone and muscle pain. Fingernails turning black - although I think my friend said her's turned very yellow? BUT - and this is a big but - not supposed to have the severe nausea - the awful queasy's I've had for so many days in the last 2 months. Supposedly doesn't make your mouth so wretched - my mouth is a mess. And my friend was quite anemic at the end of A/C - like I am now - but it improved with Taxol. PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE! My energy level is low to non-existant.

I've been so full of dread the last few days I think it's actually worn me down. Even with all the reassurance I've gotten from people, and me not wanting to be fretting over it - it's uncontrollable, your mind just does what it wants. And mine wants to fret, fret, fret....worry over it all the time. I was OK on Tues & Wed, by Thurs I was pretty fretful and by Thursday nite I was DONE - stick a fork in me. Tired, my muscles all bunched up - pretty much a mess. HOPEFULLY it's all for naught!

Gotta go - mo' lata.