Fuzz!

It's been 22 days since my last chemo - WOOT! Getting over that last one was a bear, cumulative effects of 8 treatments and all that rot, but I'm getting there. Because I'm actually a very shallow creature, the most exciting thing would be the FUZZ on my head. It started way sooner than I'd expected, after pouring over the discussion board posts about hair coming back on http://www.breastcancer.org/ . I also know I'm not alone in my cancer patient shallowness - the posts about hair get the most views and posts, always. Because of the wisdom of those that have gone before me, I knew that usually the first new growth shows up almost colorless and fuzzy - and that's what I've got. I first noticed it the day I would normally have had my chemo - 14 days from my last chemo. Leaning in close to the mirror and staring at my head, there was the fuzz, shining in the light. In the last week I can actually see progress, it's about 1/8th of an inch long and starting to get a wee bit o color to it. It's been hotter than hell here in Big D, humidity bringing the heat index to not fit for human highs. The fuzz has somehow released my inhibitions. I'm still technically bald, if someone were to see me they'd say "wow, look at that bald chick". But around the house, around my family and close friends and co-workers, I'm not running for a cap or scarf every time someone's around. I've been swimming capless, which has given my shiney bald head a tan - a much better look that the stark white, sickly, cancer-y look I was sporting. I'm not ready to head out to dinner topless just yet, but it's awesome to not have to have my head covered all my waking hours. I have HUGE sympathy for those women living in cultures that require a lifetime of covered heads - it's hot and a huge pain in the ass. My goal is to have enough hair by the first football game to not have to wear a hot head covering. We're talking HP high school football, my son's in the marching band and we never miss a game. The first one is an early evening game August 29 - which could easily be the hottest day of the year. So I have about 2 months for this fuzz to fill in enough to cover the skin - that's all I ask.



On Thursday I went for my prep visit for radiation. I had a 9am appt, I walked in and gave my name, was immediately taken back to the CAT scan room. Two technicians, my radiation oncologist and her intern swarmed down on me. They create a form that your upper body lays on, they use the CAT scan to make sure you are lying straight, they tape on lil pieces of wire to mark the edges of the boob area to be radiated, as well as my scar for the "boosts" I'll receive the last week of treatment. The tech then used a marker to mark where the wires had been, used a needle to create tattoo dots. I have 7 tattoo's now, small dots they use to precisely line you up each time you are radiated. That was it - and I was only there for THIRTY MINUTES. UT Southwestern - the most efficient medical facility I've ever experienced!



We leave Monday morning for the beach! One glorious week in a fabulous beach house, surrounded by the family I love (and my dopey dog) the sound of waves as the soundtrack for a week. I get to have a pedicure for the first time since February - with doctor permission. That's a big deal, since I am so inept femininity wise, my toes look terrible. I think I'll have them paint a light but solid color on my sad, sad fingernails as well. I'm done tracking the progress of them as they get more and more unattached - if they fall off, so be it. I have the most experienced pet sitter I know staying at my house the whole time we're gone so that I won't even have to consider worrying about what's going on here. About 4 years ago the drip pan for our air conditioner in our attic self destructed, water dripping thru the ceiling into our kitchen at such a rate the sheet rock started falling in chunks. Our pet sitter discovered it and already had the process for repair well under way by the time we got home. Managing an in home petsitting company I've seen every household emergency imaginable happen while people are away, so maybe I'm paranoid. Whatever, my kitty will have a full time round the clock companion while we're away, and I'm very happy about that!



Speaking of pet sitting, how about some shameless self promotion? Check out our website if you live in the Dallas area http://www.pcpsi.com/ There's even a video to explain what we do. There's a "best of Dallas" promo going on with one of the TV stations, we're up for best sitting service. Our clients have been posting the most amazing things about our company and our 25 dedicated, hard working sitters. Their kind words have our sitters in tears, very sweet. It is good to be appreciated! The comments can be seen here http://alist.wfaa.com/park-cities-pet-sitter/biz/288077



I start my 33 radiation treatments the day after we get home. My goal for this whole long marathon of treatment was to finish before the next school year begins. I'll miss that by 3 days - I have my final treatment on the 3rd day of school. Not bad, considering. I actually go for periods of time during the day now when I don't think about what I've gone thru/am going thru, don't think about cancer. Sometimes when I'm in the bathroom without a top on and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, it stops me in my tracks. Bald. Angry scars coming out of my armpit, across my boob, the port bulging out of my chest, the scar above it - and now the tattoos. Battle scars indeed. I smack myself and say GET OVER IT. It could be so much worse.

My buddy Deb http://ddlatt.blogspot.com/ told me about this book that I immediately ordered. It's awesome, if you know someone going thru breast cancer, get it for them immediately, it's called Cancer Made Me A Shallower Person, http://www.readaboutcomics.com/2006/07/14/cancer-made-me-a-shallower-person/ So much more relatable for me than those "Cancer is such a blessing" crap books.

Someday I'll learn how to post a picture, and I'll show my fuzzy head to the world. In the mean time, I'm taking my fuzzy head to the pool for a lil more tanning before I take it to the beach. Merry Independence Day to you all!

Buh-bye Chemo, don't let the door..........

I know, I know - I bailed on my blog. I believe last I wrote I was about to do my first of 4 treatments of a different chemo, Taxol - after already finishing 4 rotten treatments of dose dense Adriamycin & Cytoxin. I may have titled my post "Dread", but the truth is I'd convinced myself that the Taxol was going to be WAY better than the A/C. I set myself up for failure, not smart. In a very important way it is better, the Adriamycin - known as "The Red Devil" - is the drug that has the classic symptom of nausea - and that was good and truly awful. Having that gone was a huge relief, and it was great to drop all of the anti-nausea drugs I had to tank up on to get thru it. But, we traded that for some new and different, not so fun side effects. Taxol is still chemo - very strong chemo - so yeah, still no walk in the park.

Starting the night of my 1st treatment the hot flashes came with a vengeance. I went into immediate, full-blown menopause - or chemopause as it is not so fondly referred to. All night long, one after the other, furious and long blazing hot flashes. I'm drenched in sweat (especially my bald head). Flailing, twisting in the covers, and according to my husband moaning all night long. For the first 3-4 nights after each of the 4 Taxol's I experienced this, and I haven't had a period since March - I'm most likely done with those, which I'm ok with. By Sunday I was wracked with intense bone pain, very different from anything I've experienced before (chemo is just one new experience after another). Luckily my new friend Deb had warned me about the pain - and told me to TAKE THE PAIN MEDS - so I tanked up on those and it took the edge off. By Monday my fingers, feet and face were numb - hello Neuropathy. It's like the body part has "fallen asleep", dead asleep, and you have just started to try and wake it up, that numb and tingling feeling. The worst was my hands, as it became painful and difficult for me to do some things, mainly open a sliding door. My house is filled with pocket doors - which I normally love - but I found myself almost unable to get out of my bedroom when faced with the closed door one morning. Then the fingernails on my right hand started to have dark spots, which I knew would lead to lifting of the nails, and possibly having them fall off. Each morning I would wake to see how much worse they had gotten, a little obsessively. And lastly, I still had that awful, overall crappy chemo-y sick feeling that lasted just as long as the A/C - 6-7 days. MUCH better than the A/C? Not by a long shot. Mentally I slid lower and lower, a bit darker and sadder each day.

Even tho I knew that there were no hormonal options in the drug department for my menopausal symptoms, I went ahead and emailed my doc about the brutal hot flashes on Monday night after my 1st chemo. She called me on Tuesday. "So, I noticed on Friday that you might be having problems with your mood......" HA! I answered, "ya think?" and she laughed. I told her that several of my friends that had been thru the experience advised me to start an anti-depressant ASAP, I had thought "NOT ME!" She told me there was an antidepressant that's been proven to help lighten hot flashes as well - SIGN ME UP! I started Effexor right away, and about 2 weeks later I realized that I felt like a dark cloud had lifted from me - I felt better. I spent almost 3 weeks not much feeling like talking to people, just reading, crocheting or sleeping - when I wasn't working. I don't think I went out to eat for 2 full weeks. I don't think it's helped with the flashing, the pattern of miserable hot flashing from the night of chemo for several days, slowly getting better right up to chemo day again - and repeat. I really think that when I get further than 13 days from a chemo treatment - which I haven't been since March 5! - the hot flashes will be better, more "normal". Also, starting on my 2nd Taxol, the doc had me put my hands in an ice bath for the 3 hours of the Taxol infusion, to avoid the neuropathy and try and save my nails. It worked on the numbness! While my feet and face got a little number each time, my fingers were only slightly numb and were never again impaired in function. That was huge. The dark spots stopped on my nails, but gradually several of them have lifted, my two index fingers are unattached about 1/2 way up - I'm hoping that since there's not another chemo on the way they'll stop and I won't completely lose any of them.

And yes - I AM DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last Friday I had my 8th and final round. I was a WRECK that morning, my pulse was 126, the nurse said "Are you anxious? That's very very high..." YES! I was worried until the last drop o poison dripped into my IV and the machine started the glorious beeping that something would happen and I'd have a delay. I took a leap of faith and paid off the beach house I rented for the week after July 4th in full - Hey Gulf of Mexico - here I come! I'll be hairless, weak and anemic, but by God we're going. I'm more excited for this trip than I was for our 3 weeks in Hawaii, or our 2 week Caribbean Island hopping vaca, or Europe. I have spent so much time at home, not leaving for days on end because I've felt so rotten. Just to get more than 50 miles between me and my home seems like a big victory to me. Despite my anxiety, my 8th and final chemo went without a hitch or delay and I was finally DONE. It was hard to get too excited, as my final post chemo time was extra yucky - all us cancer patients HATE the words "cumulative effects", you feel a little crappier, a little weaker, a little more chemo-y each time. But now I'm on the upswing from it, and it's hard to grasp that this time it will just keep getting better, no more trips to the chemo room to knock my legs out from under me......it still feels surreal. I think when I get to next Friday and Saturday it will finally feel real.

I had a CAT scan the week after chemo 7, about 3 weeks ago, Dr. Amy said, "just to take a look at things, look for changes". Hmmmm. The worry started then for the 6 days up to the scan. I had the scan at 11:00am, stopped by my husband’s office to see him, picked up the boy from summer school, got home at 1:00pm and checked my email. I had a UT Southwestern "My Chart" email - "New Test Results Posted". No. NO WAY could I have my CAT scan results 3 hours after the test? I signed into my profile and there it was, CAT Scan results from the radiology department. A note was attached to the top of the results:

Good news! Enjoy your weekend. Amy Harker-Murray, MD

And from the radiologists report:

The heart is not enlarged. The great vessels are unremarkable. No adenopathy is seen. Postsurgical changes are seen at the left breast and left axilla. The visualized structures of the abdomen unremarkable. No worrisome osseous lesions are seen. No discrete finding suggesting metastatic disease are seen.

Two things here, first that last line about no metastatic disease seen - that means NO CANCER is evident - YIPPEEE! Second, the note at the top from my doc was so that when I opened the report I would immediately understand that ALL IS WELL. Anyone - ANYONE out there ever had the results of a CAT scan - with a personal note added from your doctor - in THREE HOURS after the test?? I am just gobsmacked - and very grateful, once again, to be where I am getting treatment.

To answer the question people are trying to figure out how to ask me it seems, since I'm thru chemo - "what do the doctors think? Do you know if it worked?" I'm considered cancer free at this point; they can find no evidence of cancer from bloodwork or from the scan. I have taken all the chemo they can give me, and I'm moving on to radiation, my final treatment to kill any errant cancer cells that may be in the body. On July 2 I go in for my mapping CAT scan and I get my tattoos (little dots on my chest so that they can line me up for radiation each time most precisely, Stephen says I should ask if they can do stars instead of dots) I spend the next week on the beach, then July 13 I start my radiation treatments. I will have 33, once a day Mon - Fri until August 26, which is the 3rd day of the new school year. One of my goals was to try and get all of my treatment done before the 1st football game, and I'm going to do it. The side effects from radiation that my doc expects are a possible sunburn effect on my boob (they are doing whole breast radiation on my left, the one that had the tumor), and some fatigue. They want you in and out for each treatment in 15 minutes - which sounds doable. I just can't get worked up and worried about the radiation - after 8 rounds of chemo? Pfft - I can handle it. I’d rather not, but I am.

“You never know how brave you can be until it’s your turn to be brave.” Author unknown


People keep telling me how brave I am, I don’t feel brave. I’ve handled this the best I could, the best I knew how – I do believe that. I do feel changed, a little different from this whole experience, but I don’t see how you could go thru it and not feel that way. I hear women say they are GRATEFUL they got their breast cancer, I certainly don’t feel that way, if we could turn back time I would certainly choose NOT to go thru this, more importantly to not put my family & friends thru it. But go thru it we have, and I am grateful for so many, many things now. For finding UT Southwestern and my amazing team of docs there. For finding friendship with the women that have supported me that are going thru this fight ahead of me (Deb & Jo – you are at the top of this list!) It has indeed given me clarity on what’s important, and what’s just NOT. My family has been amazing, I truly have the most supportive husband in the world. The best kids. The best brother, who married the best sister in law. The best in-laws all the way around. Grateful for my most supportive and understanding boss, never one whit of pressure to do anything I wasn’t ready to do, to take off less time than I really needed. My community has risen up to watch over and care for me and my family, I’m very proud to live in and have raised my son here. I’m grateful my cancer hadn’t progressed any further than it had, or that I didn’t have a more dire kind of cancer, I’ve met so many during this process that are dealing with far worse than I am. I’m grateful to be a survivor – not a victim of cancer.

DREAD

Today is my first Taxol treatment, of which I will have 4, every other week. Everyone assures me it's MUCH BETTER than the A/C I lived thru, so here's to hoping........it's the unknown that kills me. I'm so tired of of new terrible things - one after the other after the other. I feel very beaten down after biopsy, surgery, biopsy, surgery, 4 rounds of A/C. It appears that EVERYONE is allergic to Taxol, so your treatment begins with a big dose of Benadryl via your IV, then your Taxol. All the women I speak to love the Benedryl - it makes you pass out for the Taxol treatment. The actual infusion of Taxol takes much longer than the A/C which is a bummer - one friend of mine had an allergic reaction in the middle of the treatment, she started itching like crazy. They stopped the Taxol, tanked her up on more Benedryl, then restarted the Taxol really slowly....New side effects - numb hands and feet - maybe face. Mild to severe bone and muscle pain. Fingernails turning black - although I think my friend said her's turned very yellow? BUT - and this is a big but - not supposed to have the severe nausea - the awful queasy's I've had for so many days in the last 2 months. Supposedly doesn't make your mouth so wretched - my mouth is a mess. And my friend was quite anemic at the end of A/C - like I am now - but it improved with Taxol. PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE! My energy level is low to non-existant.

I've been so full of dread the last few days I think it's actually worn me down. Even with all the reassurance I've gotten from people, and me not wanting to be fretting over it - it's uncontrollable, your mind just does what it wants. And mine wants to fret, fret, fret....worry over it all the time. I was OK on Tues & Wed, by Thurs I was pretty fretful and by Thursday nite I was DONE - stick a fork in me. Tired, my muscles all bunched up - pretty much a mess. HOPEFULLY it's all for naught!

Gotta go - mo' lata.

Seriously?

Grey's Anatomy has to give one of their lead players cancer NOW? And have her go thru surgery? And freaking chemo? This is not entertainment, people. Thank God neither my husband nor my son watch this show. Seriously.

Round 4 A/C - The FINAL ROUND!

Whew, I haven't written since that last whiney, bitchy post about how awful Round #3 was. I was dreading this 4th and final round so much I couldn't force myself to post - nobody needs to hear more of THAT. It sucks - blahblahblah- feel like shit - blahblahblah - waaaa - blahblahblah. Blech.I went back to work after round 3 on Friday - and I shouldn't have, wasn't up to it. By that night I'm sitting in bed with tears just rolling down my cheeks. MY POOR HUSBAND.

On that Saturday - Easter Eve - my family came over to visit, my sister in law and I went to the cheap shoe store and bought cheap sandals and I went a little nuts in the clothes kiosk in there run by this Indian couple. I got two sundresses, a solid black sequin scarf for my nekkid head, and 3 beautiful, exotic looking pairs of dangly earrings - 2 with big rings to go with them. FUN stuff! But most of all it was wonderful to run around with her again - even feeling puny like I was. She was thoughtful of my weaknesses, carrying some of my stuff - making me sit down while she stood in line for us. Weird being sickly, but lovely to have peeps that love you and take care of you without a bunch o fuss. We all went out and had a lovely dinner - no cooking - at Desperado's. When I'm coming off the yukkiness of chemo, Mexican food is DAMN GOOD - it seems to cut thru my weird metallic taste, screwed up saliva thing, and I can actually taste the food. YUM. Stephen has become friends with the owners here - The Levy's - they are lovely people. They sent over their signature dessert - Deep Fried Latte - which they won best new food at the State Fair of Texas a few years ago with - and I loved it! I could see it being my new craving, weird as it sounds. It kinda has a sopapilla bottom, with a Mocha ice cream - anyhoo - stop by and give it a whirl!

Easter was at my Father in law's house - a big crowd to celebrate Easter, & my boy & his grandfather's birthdays. I could tell that morning I was tired, so I took a trusty Ativan and lay down. 2 hour nap later, I was ready to get up and go. I wore my new sparkly sequin scarf - I pretended I had sequin hair - it was festive, I think. I just am NOT A FAN of the wig. It's tight, it's hot - and it feels like......a wig. I know the scarves & hats make me look all patient-y, but you know - I don't have hair, so there it is. I never go out with my bald head (shudder the thought) but mostly I'm living in scarves - usually with the dangly fun earrings to up the female factor of it all. I still have eyelashes & eyebrows - I'd say they've thinned by 1/2 - but I started with way more than normal so they don't look too patient-y yet. From there, I've lost most of the rest of the body hair, except my forearms - I still have a little less than 1/2 of that. I don't miss the body hair! If I could get my head hair, eyebrows & lashes back - the rest could stay gone, thank you very much. Easter dinner was lovely, seeing everyone was awesome, and I'd like to send a shout-out to Melissa for all her hard work and delicious food. ON HER BIRTHDAY. Big bitch slap to my father in law for not letting ANY of us know this woman put this shindig on, on HER BIRTHDAY, and none of us knew. Bad boyfriend award to him. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Melissa - we owe you a birthday party - it may be quite late, but we'll make it up to you.

The week after Easter I was a bit better each day, I worked Mon-Thurs. I knew I never got back up to what I as able to get back up to after chemo's 1 & 2. Just didn't happen. Leaning on poor Stephen more than ever - I just have very low reserves of energy, and I still had waves of fatigue more than ever. He still is taking Kellen 90% of the time - EVERYWHERE, including to and from school. He's doing 100% of grocery shopping, dish washing & kitchen cleaning, 98% of food getting (cooking or fetching to-go). It's starting to wear him down - I can see it, I can hear it.....and I feel helpless to help. He still is working TONS of hours, so he's just frayed around the edges, and quite tired. I have tried to maintain the laundry, but that's about it for long-term responsibilities - other than doing my job as much as I can. He's the hero here, if you see him tell him he is amazing and awe inspiring - because he is. I'll be spending a lifetime trying to make this up to him....

But I do know the way I've felt is REAL now. Friday my bloodwork shows I'm now officially anemic. This was expected, and about the time she expected it to show up. The neulasta shots I receive 24 hrs after each chemo are working great, tho - WBC still normal, which is amazing. But the anemia - yuck. Not much to be done about it either, I'll keep up my eating and drinking - maybe add some more iron in food, but they say Iron tablets or vitamins just don't help. They used to have a drug like the Neulasta, except it was for the Red Blood cells - i think it was Procrit. Turns out it gave the chemo patients CANCER - so no more of that. She said something about below 12.2 is considered anemic, I'm at 11 - if you get to 8 you get a blood transfusion - YIKES I DONT WANT THAT. So I'll continue to try and be the best lil chemo patient I can be.

I'd like to give a shout out to DR. AMY HARKER-MURRAY! Still the bestus oncologist I know, I'm grateful to be her patient. She told me Friday that she'd met a new patient the day before that was there because they talked to me a while back? I believe it's a lady that lives in Denton, who was unhappy with her care (for very good reasons) and headed to MD Anderson for another opinion? I suggested she try out Dr. Amy, and I think she did. Holler back at me woman and let me know what's up! And she told the doc about my blog :) You are welcome here Doc A - I promise only my skewed view of truth - how I see it!

My precious boy is at his first behind the wheel driving lesson at driving school this Sunday morning! HOLY CRAP! He got his permit - the sidewalks of the PC are no longer safe! He's a very, very good boy - but DAMN ITS SCARY, ISN"T IT?

I've felt pretty darn crappy since my last A/C Friday - as expected. As per usual, I'm best in the AM, and I fade all day - evenings are the worst. Last night was THE WORST, worthy of those capital letters. I went to bed whimpering, even crying a bit. Stephen tucked me in all worried, help me gather up my drugs for over night, water, ice pack - dog & cat. I slept fitfully, waking with massive hot flashes and nausea several times. HOPING that was my last worst A/C night? Maybe....here's to hoping.

I've been trolling the net looking for a beach house in Galveston - using my old, rusty travel agent skills. Shooting off tons of emails to any house that looks like it might fit the bill, or even just catches my eye. I heard back from this one guy saying - can you do such and such date BEFORE those dates? I responded with my story - cancer, chemo, doctors, break before radiation - didn't even go back to see which house it was when I did. He responded to me with the SWEETEST email back - and offering me A DEAL. The docs & I had negotiated me traveling the week departing sometime around 7/10-13. This guy offers me 7/6-12 with a discount, and waives his NO PET policy so we can bring out clingy, needy dog! People are so incredibly kind......here I am feeling like I'm trudging thru the bowels of hell half the time, but people just pop up and do the NICEST THINGS - it likes brings rays of sunshine and goodness thru all this awfulness. SO - we get a vacation. At an AMAZING beachfront home, right in the heart of Galveston on a beautiful spec of ocean. IF YOU WANT TO RENT A LUXURY BEACH HOUSE you have to rent this one from this lovely man! Contact me - I'll hook you up. :) and if you find yourself down Galveston way 7/6-12 look us up! I'll be the one lying on the sand with a big sun hat and a faux Pina Colada, bobbing in the sea and soaking it all up. Storing up energy for the last and final round of cancer killing '09 - radiation, set to start for 6 1/2 weeks upon my return. All docs & bosses approved the time, so it' looks like we're a go on the vaca - SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR!

Wanna see some pretty? Check out this short You Tube video of my BFF and amazing artist friends work - set to music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlYd846ZLdI You like? Go to her website and BUY SOME ART! Times are tough, we can all use some pretty :) Wanna see some more pretty? I've become quite close via the interwebs with a wonderful woman who had the same tumor type has I, and is forging ahead with my same treatment, 3 treatments ahead of me. I cannot tell you how much help and support she's been. And she's an artist too - check out her pretty (photo's) here http://deborahlattimore.smugmug.com/ Spring is finally here, and I just can't get enough of ANYTHING pretty. Speaking of - Thanks to Judy & Barbara for the beautiful orchids! I hope I can keep them alive for the summer - they make me so happy.

So my mantra, constant - NO MORE A/C. You did it. You let 'em fill you up with the worstest of poisons and you're popping out the other side. There's one more poison to do - Taxol - but it's just not AS BAD. I am starting to see light - a little peephole - into the home stretch. This will be behind us, my family and I - and life shall return.

Lousy, crappy, crummy, rotten, terrible, sick

The most common question I get is "how are you feeling?" It's an obvious question to ask someone that's been receiving dense-dose, very strong chemo therapy every other week for 5 weeks and is obviously bald. The first 2 rounds I bounced back after a week - relatively - and had a week that I could carry on my life and do OK. I worked, I drove, I went out to dinner. I've hit the point in the A/C (Adriamicin & Cytoxin) treatments where I don't think I get the bounceback. I had my last (3rd) treatment a week ago today - and mornings are when I usually feel my best and then I fade during the day and into the evenings - and I'm sitting here feeling just rotten. Chemo-sick is unique, there's nothing I can say to someone that hasn't experienced it to convey or compare how I feel to anything in normal life. Queasy. Nauseous. Weak. BLAH. If you woke up in the morning and found yourself feeling the way I feel, and someone asked you how you were feeling, I believe your response would be something like, "I really feel like shit. I think I need to see a doctor." I'm trudging along, life goes on around me, but I feel more and more detached, more stuck in the miserable rut of rotteness that is my life right now. I rest - A LOT. It's not like I really have a choice, I mostly just feel so bad that moving from room to room in my house is a chore. Eating is a chore, drinking water is an unpleasant, difficult chore. Taking a shower is exhausting. Brushing my teeth is an unpleasant chore (raw, peeling gums, sores on the corners of my mouth that feel like big paper cuts that will not heal, tons of bleeding). I haven't left the house in a week.

It's Good Friday, my child is off school and blissfully sleeping in - that makes me happy. We have plans on both Saturday and Sunday evenings this holiday weekend. My entire family is coming over Saturday night - the 1st time we've all gotten together in a year. I assumed I'd be over this round by the weekend and all would be fine - now I know it just ain't so. I'm not canceling, I know they'll understand if I just get in a comfy spot and sit with an afgan on my lap and don't move much - like an elderly, ailing great auntie or something. My sister in law was saying she'd make a ham, some casseroles, etc. - normal stuff for an Easter family get together. All I could think was NO! No cooking or big meal serving - I'll be tempted to help, I'll be no help at all, I'll feel guilty - UGH. Pizza - let's order pizza & wings and eat off paper plates and call it done - please!

Sunday is my husbands family Easter dinner & joint birthday celebration for my boy and his grandfather, who share a birthday. My beautiful baby turned 16 yesterday! Unbelievable. His sort-of, on again off again girlfriend type person took him to the high school fashion show last night. He got semi-dressed up, and looked so incredibly handsome & happy. He got incredibly sick my first two chemo's, his illness kicked in and the episodes lasted for days & days. He's lost so much weight, he's SKINNY and it kills me. But - this time he did not get sick. We'd been having him stay with friends for a few days each time, this time he came home Friday night and didn't spend a night away - and he did ok! That was a huge relief. From being so sick the month prior he was buried in make-up work - which stresses him out ,which usually makes him sick - it's a vicious cycle. But he was methodically working his way thru it, doing quite well. Except for his horrible ENGLISH TEACHER. This woman is just awful, heartless, sarcastic, difficult - just a freaking nightmare. His other teachers have been kind & understanding, they appreciate that Kellen is a good boy, he wants to do well, they respect how sick he gets and his limitations when he first gets back from being very sick - they work with him and help him get the work done and be prepared when he does the make-up tests. Makes sense, no? This woman is THE WORST, she's the opposite of all of these things, it's like she feels incredibly put out by it all and she wants to punish him. COME ON. You've got a sick kid to begin with - and now he has to deal with his mom doing what I'm doing? And YOU are feeling put out? What a miserable excuse for a human being this woman is.

// CUTTING OUT THIS NEGATIVE CHUNK OF WRITING NOW //

Blogger note from Kelly: I was so in a bad place yesterday........It bothered me last night that I knew I'd written such a negative post, exposed my stressful/nasty school encounter I had this week. Soooooooo. Decided I'd feel better if I came and deleted it - and I just did. I NEED AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT.....I'm mulling that over and I'll let y'all know if I figure out how to de-funkify myself. Last nite I just lay in bed feeling miserable. Real Time with Bill Maher came on HBO, and his guest was the glorious Gore Vidal. He had me laughing out loud! I think I'll download some Vidal to my Kindle and see if he perks me up. /// End of Edit

The thing I find is helping me the most with dealing with the endless feeling awful is to think of it ending. I have my final treatment in a week, God knows how awful I feel after getting another jolt of these particular poisons - but then that's it. NO MORE. Never take the Red Devil Adriamicin again! I work thru this one more time, wait it out as it works it's way thru then out of my system - and when I finally start feeling better in a few weeks - I'll keep feeling better, they won't hit me again! THATS the only good thing I can focus on, it's the prize I keep my eye on. Until then - I'm sorry that I have nothing good to say when you ask me how I'm feeling right now - it just is what it is, but I do know it will end. I also know the Taxol will bring on a new host of problems, I'll have complaints about those as well - but then I will remind myself of how I feel RIGHT NOW, and it will help me get thru those, I just know it. "At least I don't feel that awful A/C chemo-y feeling! Thank God for that!" I cannot wait for the day.

dang dang dang - HELP with the blog thing please!

Can we make it where it emails me if I get a comment?? Now that I miraculously can receive comments, I have to go search them out! Can't I ask this thing to email me with comments I receive?? Lawyermom - help?? I may need my blog tutorial soon :(